Screwing up the workplace

I have recently read about a new philosophy called “Walking up the workplace”, and it really infuriated me… It is a shit-load of nonsense about “seeing your work as a vehicle for realizing out deepest human potential, not just as means for profit”. I got really, really angry after reading this huge pile of crap, so, I decided to invent my own philosophy. I called it “Screwing up the workplace”.

Let’s start by saying this: Your employers are a stinking, disgusting, repulsive piece of cow shit. They make millions of dollars, but they pay you a pity salary. They are arrogant and act like jerks… They don’t give you what’s rightfully yours, because you’re the one who does all the work… They just sit on their thrones all day long, while you work like a lower rank ant… So, I’m going to teach you some techniques that will help you to make things more fair… Since they don’t give you a fair compensation for your all hard work, well… you work shouldn’t be that hard then… IF THEY FUCK US, LET’S FUCK’EM HARDER!!!!

Ok, here are the basic rules:

1)      Always work at 25% of your total capacity. But, pay attention: You have to do this from day one. If you work at 100%, and one day start working at 25%, they will notice. But if you do this from the first day, you will be just another average worker. Why should you do this? Quite simple: Because you’re going to earn the same money, whatever you do. Why should you do your best for them? Are you going to get an extra payment or something? No… So, do what you need to do but never sweat for them. They don’t fucking deserve it.

2)      Play out people’s laziness. Ok, I’m going to tell you a little secret. Most of people are lazy by nature. So, you can take advantage of this… Sometimes, you will have to work on your own, but most of times you will work in collaboration with some other people. The key here is: “put the ball in the other player’s field”. Use the bureaucracy against them. Let say someone asks you to do something. You will accept, but then you’ll reply: “Ok, but first I need these documents, these procedures, these screenshots,  these authorizations, and so on”. In other words, you have to ask them a shit-load of things you know will take them a lot of time to get… and while they’re getting them, you can scratch your balls… if someone asks, just blame them. As a matter of fact, they haven’t given you what you need to start, have they?

3)      Smear the field: This is a good one! It will grant you lots of time to do whatever you want. This basic tactic is about make the others doubt themselves. Whenever someone asks you to do something, just let them know you think their approach is wrong. You can say a number of things here, depending on your line of work. The thing is, everybody wants a job well done. Not because they care, but because they’re afraid of the consequences. So, play with this idea. Cloud their minds. Know how to read their nature. Play out their fears. Make them think they’re going to screw things up if they do whatever they want to do. Fear and confusion are your best tools here.

4)      Do not (and I emphasize) DO NOT work extra hours. In fact, why should you? But the sad truth is that, every once in a while, someone will ask you to stay longer to “finish something”. They will say that “It can’t wait till tomorrow”. They will say that “The company is loosing money for every second is issue is not solved”. But… let’s think about this for a minute. They company is losing money, ok. Who the fucking cares? But even you do, consider this: After 6 AM, your time is YOURS. It no longer belongs to the company. The company hires you from 9 to 6, beyond that, you’re the owner of your life. And since time is money, if you spend your precious time working for the company when you shouldn’t you will be the one losing money. So, let me ask you this: If two entities (you and someone else) are going to lose money, which one would you prefer it to be? You’re not being compensated for this extra time, are you? And even if you are…what the heck! They don’t deserve it, your time after 6 PM is SOOO EXPENSIVE that they would never be able to afford it. If they pay you something for this “extra effort”, rest assured that they will be earning ten times more. So, what I do here, is what I call “The doctor’s approach”. Whenever they ask you to stay, just say: “Sorry, I have an appointment with the Doctor”. Since health issues are something not to play with (and if they did, you would be able to sue theirs pants off them) they will have to comply… like it or not…

5)      Once per month report yourself sick. Many companies will send you a doctor, or they will ask you to call one in order to obtain a health certificate. No problem. The basic approach here is diarrhea. When the asshole arrives, just tell him: “Doctor, I’ve been shitting all night”. There’s no way he could prove otherwise. If they touch your belly, just scream when he presses the lower section. Piece of cake. He will give you a 2 or 3 day license, and you’ll be able to live these days the way god created men to live: FREE.

Hope you have enjoyed it boys and girls. And remember, if you find a way to get out of this pile of shit you’re buried in, don’t hesitate. DO IT RIGHT AWAY.

Quantity vs Quality: The shit vs gold metaphor

Much has been said about this. There is even an old proverb that says: “Quality is better than quantity”.

Let’s think about that for a minute. Let’s take the Microsoft Vs. Apple scenario. It is known that Bill Gates stole the whole “windows” idea from Macintosh’s operative system. At that time, Gates was working with Steve Jobs and took the “graphic interface” idea from Job’s computers. When Jobs found out that Gates was stealing from him, they had a fight and the last words Jobs said were:  “We’re better than you. We have better products”. Well… guess what? Microsoft beat the shit out of apple, and ten years later, when Apple was about to go bankrupt, Jobs had to ask Gates for help and money… And now, Microsoft owns about 10% of Apple… In these ten years, Windows sold extremely well. No one can deny that windows’ first versions were shit… (and, in a way, it still is). But this little fact did not matter at all. On the other hand, Macintosh was an excellent product… but it didn’t sell well. Why? That’s simple… Because it was thrice as expensive. This is the first thing to take in consideration. GOOD STUFF IS EXPENSIVE.

So, in the end, Microsoft won. It was cheaper, and thus more affordable by the vast majority of the people. 

Now, let’s imagine we have two factories: One of them makes shit, while the other makes gold. Let’s say that one pound of shit costs 1 dollar, while 1 pound of gold costs 100 dollars.

We put both products in the market, and one million people buy one pound of shit. (I know, I know it’s shit… but it’s cheap, so, who cares? We’re just trying to make profit, aren’t we?) On the other hand, just one thousand people buy one pound of gold. In the end, the shit factory makes one million dollars, while the gold factory makes one hundred thousand. No one can argue that gold is better than shit, but then, why does shit sell better? Easy to answer:  Because it targets a larger number of less educated and less resourceful people. So, in the end, it doesn’t matter the quality of your product, what matters is the quantity of people you target. This is a valid concept for ANY industry.

Moreover, if you’re going to get less profit, it makes gold worthless making. Let’s think about this: In order to get a sell-able pound of gold, you have first to extract it from a mine, you have to melt it, you have to purify it, and so on. To make shit, it’s way easier. You just need to go to the toilet, and defecate. That’s it. So, why bother to make gold, if shit is easier to make and more profitable?

Now, let’s add another variable to the equation: The worker. Let’s say you’re not the owner of the factories (the one who makes profit), but the guy who makes shit or gold. And, let’s also say, that the gold maker earns the same salary as the shit maker (Owners didn't like to share their cakes, didn't you know?). Since we have agreed on the fact that shit is easier to make, let me ask you this: Which factory would you like to work for? If you ask me, I choose shit every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Why would I want to work at the gold factory, making a product that only elitists’ jerks will buy, that takes twice the effort to make? Forget it! I just want my money, I don’t give a shit if the product I’m making shines or smells, I just want my paycheck at the end of the day, having invested the less possible effort.

Having said that, it is my final conclusion that shit pays more than gold. Quantity beats quality. There’s a simple fact that even the most educated people could never ignore: In this world (and this economy) there are (and there will always be) more shit buyers than gold buyers. Period! If you want to be a successful business man, target the shit buyers and forget about the fucking quality. That’s what Bill Gates did… and it paid off. He’s the richest man on earth.

Why do you work?

I have recently read a blog that belongs to an old friend of mine, and even though I'm not really into the "blogging" thing, some of the stuff I read made me think about lots of things… Things in my life that are absolutely, completely, 100% against to the “common-sense” philosophy…  (or, better said, what “others” made us think it is common sense… but I’ll get there in a minute).

So, just like that, I decided to start my own blog to share them with you all…

The funny thing, is that most of you will feel just like if you were watching your own image in a mirror, once I open your eyes… I will say things that many of us know deep inside, but few dare to say out loud…

So, let’s begin with a simple question: Why do you work?

But, before answering that, let me tell you about human nature. Man is an animal. Over the centuries, we have developed the ability to think, which (in some way) set us apart from the other animals. But deep, deep inside, we keep all the traits, all the instincts, all the rage… and, like any other animal, we can be trained.

This may shock you, but the truth is that human beings can be programmed, just like computers. There are several techniques to accomplish this, being NLP the most known technology.

So, considering the above paragraph, the short (and simple) answer to my first question is: Human beings work because they are programmed to do so… they are programmed to think they "need" to do something. They are programmed to think that they "have" to be good at what they do. THESE ARE ALL LIES...

Some of you may think that you actually like what you do… I have recently read phrases like “pride in a job well done” and “work craftsmanship”… Well, let me tell you something… That’s bullshit. You are programmed to think that. People with power want you to think that. Why? Because its in their best interest.

What I’m about to tell you is one of the biggest secrets of modern age society. It is extremely well hidden, so well that’s in plain sight… but nobody sees it…

Ever since men began to rule the earth, all the resources have been unfairly distributed. A few people manage the vast majority of the resources while the majority of the people, has to live with just the crumbs… but the tricky part is: Powerful people still need other people. They need their “labor force”, so to speak. So, these “powerful men” had to think, to develop a way to make other people do their wishes. In the past, there was slavery… but since it was abolished a few centuries ago, these resourceful guys had to use other techniques, more persuasive and less violent. The end result, however, is just the same.

As hard as it may sound, work is modern day slavery. They brainwash you to think that you “LIKE” what you do, that you should be “PROUD” in a job well done, because that way you will be more productive, but the sad truth is that you’re not the owner of your life. THEY FUCKING OWN YOU! You can’t choose whether or not to work, because (like a said earlier) they control all the resources, and if you didn’t work for them, you wouldn't be able to cover even your basic needs, and you would die… (ie: no money, no food… Did someone say “slavery”?). They are basically, playing with your need to live… and since the self-preservation instinct is the stronger instinct a being of any species can have, they are literally forcing you to do their will…

They tell you things like: “You MUST do an excellent job, just for the sake of it”. I wonder why… Are you going to pay me more? Are you going to promote me? If the answer is no, then GO FUCK YOURSELF. I will not put any extra effort if I’m not getting something in return.AND YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME THINK I HAVE TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE!!!!!!

The big problem is that powerful men don’t want to share their cake, so, they won’t pay you more, or give you additional benefits for a high quality job… you’ll just earn the same salary as if you were doing an average (or even poor) quality job. So, they had to find a way to make you do what they want without giving you anything in return. The result, is this brainwashing technique the modern day gurus promote... "The good job just for the sake of it". The sad part is that, even if you’re not aware of it, you’re the fuel that moves their engine. They are nothing without you, but since there are a LOT of people like you, and very few people like them, they can choose to replace you with another “slave” at any time…

I have always though what would happen to Bill “fucking” Gates or Mark “Queer” Zuckerberg (which by the way, in my country means “cock sucker”) if all their employees one day refused to work… In my country we have a saying: “union makes strength”. So, for one second, just close your eyes and imagine us, together, united against these industry juggernauts… taking what’s rightfully ours.. making the same job we do now, but not for them, just for us… for a fair share of the cake… What do you think? Does it sound tempting? Well… it’s up to you. 

Let's show them a world without you. Let's see what they do. Let's see what restaurant owners do without waiters. Let's see what cars manufacturers do without factory operators. Let's see what software companies do without developers. Let's see what boat captains do without sailors. Let's see what generals do without soldiers... Let's see what politicians do without voters... LET'S FUCK THEM HARD IN THE ASS, and show them a reality without slaves...